Momma

Before 2003, my life was typical. I went to church every Sunday with my family, attended AWANA on Wednesday nights, spent hours with my girl friends discussing boys, school, and fashion, and was discovering who I was. However in October of 2003, my life was changed forever. My mom had just given birth to my little brother Cole; I was super pumped about him because he was born with strawberry blonde hair just like me. Cole came home a few days after being born and everything was normal with him, but something was up with Mom. I didn't think anything of it though, and went back to my normal routine with an added member to the Fogleman household. We began to adjust with Cole in our lives and everything was fine. Except things weren't fine. Something was wrong; adults would stop conversations when I walked into the room, Mom wasn’t acting herself, and everyone was being extra nice to me. I needed to know what was going on. Finally, my dad sat me and my two sisters down in the living room. I can still feel the tension in the room; Mom's fake smile, Dad's concerned look, and my sisters' confusion. After a lot of sugar coating, my Dad finally announced that Mom was sick. She had cancer and she was going to be fine.

Wait..

CANCER?

I could not comprehend the fact that my 36 year old mom had cancer. She had just had a baby! He was completely healthy. We went to church every Sunday, did devotions every night. What joke was God trying to play? During the months to follow her initial diagnosis, so many words were thrown around: breast cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, lymph nodes. I tried to grasp what they all meant when they were explained to me, but it was extremely challenging. Looking back now, it's actually amazing that I was able to grasp the concepts that I did back then. That was only through the grace of God, giving me the ability to understand what was going on with my mom as best as a 10/11 year old could.

The months flew by, the treatments and procedures continue, and my life as I knew it continued to change every day. I have absolutely amazing parents and family members who tried their very best to help us kids have a "normal" life. We were young, they wanted us to not feel different than everyone else. But the hard truth was, we were incredibly different than the other kids in our classes at school and at sunday school. We were going through an experience that would forever alter who we were, that would forever have an impact on us. I am so thankful for all of the amazing people who reached out and supported my mom and our family during the years where she was battling this awful disease. We could not have done it without all of the support that we had, and none of it would have even occurred without the sovereign hand of the Lord all over it.

There was a year during the years of cancer where my mom was in remission. During that time, life did go back to normal. The whole cancer thing was behind us, Mom was completely healed, and I could now pretend that I was a normal 11 year old. But God had an even greater plan for us. In July of 2005, at my mom's one year check up, she mentioned to her doctor that she was having a dry cough. No one thought much of it, but she just wanted to run it by the doctor to be safe.

Long story short, the original cancer had never left her body. Her breast cancer had spread to her lungs. She quickly had surgeries to try to remove the areas where the cancer might be. Here's a few pictures of us kids with Mom shortly before being diagnosed again.

For me personally, it was a really odd experience, knowing that the cancer had been in her body the entire time that we thought she was okay. I remember not really knowing how to react to the fact that it had spread to other parts of her body; what was I supposed to say and how was I supposed to act? I was the big sister to my siblings and therefore I felt that it was my obligation to be the strong one, the one who knew what to feel and why, and to do my best to help my siblings understand. Truth be told, I had so many different emotions going on and had no idea what to do with them all. So I kept them inside. When people asked me how I was doing, the response was always something like, "Oh I'm fine! Just praying for healing". To be completely honest though, that's not what I was doing all the time. There were so many moments where I would be alone thinking about my Mom and wanting to scream at God, ask Him why He was doing this to my mom, to our family. I would cry myself to sleep at night. But I wouldn't tell a soul that I was having these doubts and feelings. I had to be strong. Looking back, part of me wishes that I would've shared these feelings with someone, but then again, it was through these doubts that I came to know Jesus in an even more intimate way than I could ever imagine.

My family kept a blog during the time of my mom's sickness and after going back and reading some parts of it, I stumbled across this section from Mom. It perfectly describes how she felt about the entire situation.

"The Lord has shown me much about my life, my faith, and my friendships. As soon as I was diagnosed I began searching my heart and my life to find out how I could learn from this trial. I wanted Him to receive the Glory for anything that happened in it. I can say, now, that this trial has been a blessing in my life. (and I know that I am still within the refiner's fire) I have such an appreciation for my husband and my children. I have such a desire to live every possible moment to the Glory of God. I am thankful to God for my strengthened faith and for His patience with me as I try to live out His will. I can honestly say that I have had so much good come out of this trial that I would not go back to the person I was before this, even if He said I could." Carrie Fogleman, May 10, 2004

Mom used her situation in incredible ways. Every doctor appointment, chemo treatment, and trip to the grocery store with no hair and 4 young kids, she tried to share the gospel as many times as possible; sharing our story with others to show Christ to them. She could've gone to appointments gloomily, sulking her way through life, but God gave her a strength that was absolutely amazing. Her desire to bring others to Christ through her story has always inspired me and made me so proud.

As mom's journey with cancer continued, so did the outpouring of love and support from family, friends, and even strangers. We had meals prepared for us almost every single night, women entering our home and helping out with normal "mom duties" when mom couldn't get out of bed herself, and hundreds of people sending up prayers for my mom. It still blows my mind that God heard EVERY SINGLE ONE and yet He still had something greater in store for us. More treatments, procedures, surgeries, and doctor visits occurred and us kids continued on being kids of a cancer patient. A lot of people feel sorry for us when they hear about how young we were when Mom was battling cancer: me (11), Abby (9), Holly (5) and Cole (barely 2). Even though that does seem way too young through the worlds eyes, God had given us all the strength to endure it with Him by our sides every step of the way. He has used what we've gone through to mold us into the young women and young man that we were created to be and this trial was a huge part of that developing process. 

For me personally though, I KNEW that God was going to heal my mom. There was not even a bit of me that had even considered the thought of mom dying. Everyone was always talking about a miracle and about Mom being healed and that slowly became what I knew was going to happen. However, this became slightly harder to believe when the cancer spread from her lungs to now her spine and eventually brain (along with some other places that I honestly can't remember). Whenever I would think for a split second that

maybe Mom wasn't going to make it, I felt awful. I felt like me thinking those thoughts meant that I was giving up hope; that I wasn't believing in the God that I was being raised to believe in.

However, Mom kept getting worse, and she began to not look herself. This really started to worry me. But like I said, I knew that she would eventually look herself again and be 100% cancer free.

Even though the cancer was winning physically, my mom never gave up hope once. She knew what our God was capable of, had completely given her disease and situation to Him, and was ready to fulfill whatever He had planned for her. As I look through her blog and read posts that she wrote, I sit here smiling. I couldn't be more proud to call Carrie Fogleman my mom. I can honestly say that she was one of the godliest woman I have ever met, and if my faith and trust in Him is anything like hers, I will be beyond grateful. 

Things continued to get worse, and things began looking grim. A few months before December of 2008, it was apparently evident that mom wasn't going to survive this cancer. It was at this point that I began to be angry with God. In my anger, I shut myself off to everyone around me, including my mom. Obviously, I was around, and interacting, but I remember being grumpy and short with people. I remember seeing the hurt in mom's eyes as instead of being loving and caring towards her, I did the opposite. Maybe this wasn't obvious to others, but I remember it clear as day, and I know that Mom noticed it too. I'm ashamed at the way I acted, but it was how I was dealing with losing my mom, even if she wasn't gone yet. Somehow, God used this attitude of mine to help me in the long run and I am so grateful for that. Mom wasn't herself in the last few months. She would say odd things and act differently and everyone had to pretend they didn't notice. It was uncomfortable and awkward and honestly, I remember just wishing it would be over. 

One of the last things that my mom said to us kids, was this: Don't waste this. At the time, we all smiled and said, "okay mom! We won't". We really didn't know what she meant exactly, but as time has gone on, and situations have presented themselves in our lives, its evident that mom really knew what she was talking about in that moment. Mom knew we were in a very unique situation and would be for the rest of our lives. She wanted us to use our story to reach others; and we already have. In more ways than I ever could have imagined, and its only been 6 years! It's going to be incredible to see how God chooses to use us to bring Him glory and to encourage others who might be going through trials similar. I treasure those last words Mom said to us and will never forget them. 

Towards the end of November in 2008, we were told that Mom was going to go somewhere where she would be taken care of really well. That's all dad told us. That sounded pretty sketchy to us, and to this day all of us kids and my aunt and cousins could tell the story of mom going to hospice with somewhat of a smile. It was a hectic, awkward, tense time for my family. However, we knew it was time. 

I wish I could remember more about that time, yet I'm thankful that I don't. All I remember is people coming and going, eating meals with Mom in the living room of the hospice, sitting around her hospital bed listening to worship music and singing, while mom laid in bed not being able to communicate with us at all. She was there, but then again she wasn't. It was hard. It was sweet. It had God's hand all over it.

One specific memory I have of the time spent at the hospice, was the last time I saw my mom. My siblings had said night and were heading home for the night. Dad pulled me aside and asked me to stay with him a bit longer. I remember feeling lucky, but also nervous. We sat by Mom's bed and held her hands and just talked to her. Dad had silent tears rolling down his cheeks and then so did I. I remember that eventually Dad looked at me and told me to say bye and that we were going to go home now. I stood up, kissed her forehead and began walking out the door. Then Dad looked at me and I just knew. I knew that this was going to be the last time I saw her. The doctors and nurses said she had a few more days, but the look in my Dad's eyes showed otherwise. I went back to her bedside and told her how much I loved her, how I was proud of how hard she fought, and that I was going to take care of my sisters and brothers. I reassured her that we were going to be just fine, and I would take care of Dad too. I can still picture this moment in my head perfectly. Music was playing in the background, Dad was standing watching me, the lights were dim, and Mom looked so peaceful. 

It was the next moment that was the hardest for me. I watched Dad say goodbye to his wife, his best friend, and it tore me apart. But I had Jesus to cling onto, and thats what I did. We left that night and sure enough, Mom went home to be with Jesus early that next morning. 

I never imagined sharing these moments with the world before, but I feel like Mom would want me to. Mom would want me to tell you all how faithful He is. How good He has been to our family since her death. How many blessings have come our way. One huge blessing being my step mom, Stacy. She honestly makes our family complete and without her we would be a mess. Mom and Stacy would've been great friends, and that makes me smile. Jesus had shown me so much grace through this trial in my life. He has shown me that He has far greater plans for my life than I ever could imagine. Was it hard when I graduated high school and she wasn't there? Of course. Was it hard when me, Abby and Holly entered high school and she wasn't there to help us with our lockers and schedules? Absolutely. Is it going to be hard on my wedding day when she won't be there to help me put on my dress? Or when I have my first child? More than you could imagine. But I am who I am in Christ through the death of my Mom. I am thankful that Jesus took her, healed her ailing body, and that she is now worshipping Him in Heaven. I learned that Christ's grace is sufficient for me, and that every moment that I spend missing her, is just another moment that I can be thankful to Him for giving me 13 years with my Mom. 

This December it will be 6 years that she's been with her Father. Cole just turned 10 (impossible), Holly's 14, Abby's almost 18, and I'm gonna be 20. We're all growing up and becoming who we were created to be, with the memory of our mom always in the back of our heads. 6 years without her seems so long, but then again it feels like she was here just yesterday, rounding all 4 of us up into her white suburban, taking us to the pumpkin patch and posing us for a picture. I have so many sweet memories with my mom and I will think of them and smile for the days to come, but I will always be missing her too.

7 years of friendship

Second post! This blog thing is a lot more fun than I had first thought. So after writing my last post, I wanted to spend some time telling you guys about my incredible best friend. Her name is Alexis Nicole Mathioudakis (yes we have matching middle names, how cool is that). We first met in 8th grade on a church ski retreat. Here are our first pictures together. ever. 

Up until this ski retreat, we had hated eachother. We shared a mutual best friend and for several years it was a "competition" to see which was the real best friend. Throughout this competition, Lexi was so unbelievably nice to me. Facebook was the new thing our 7th and 8th grade years. Our first ever communication was in October of 2007, where Lexi commented on one of my facebook pictures. Her comment was, "aww thats really cute! o btw how old are u? i know ur 13 but when are u 14." To this day, we go back to the picture and read that first comment and just laugh. Laugh because Lexi was trying to be nice to me, and I was annoyed by her. The way I treated Lexi was so unfair; I didn't know anything about her. If I had gotten to know her straight from the beginning, I would have soon realized what an amazing girl she was.  However, God's timing is perfect. We both agree that those few years of "hatred and competition" brought us to where we are today, and we can honestly laugh about it now. 

After ski retreat, we started hanging out more because we went to the same youth group on Wednesday  nights. That summer was the first time Lexi and I ever hung out alone. I invited her over to my house after volunteering at VBS. We took pictures (duh) outside. Laying in the grass, on the swingset, standing on fire hydrants, and wearing sunglasses in my room. I don't remember much about that day besides the fact that this girl was so much fun. The laughter that takes place whenever I'm with Lexi is one of my favorite things about our friendship, and we've had that since the beginning, since our very first time hanging out. 

That fall was when our friendship really started to develop more. Our youth group went on a fall retreat for a weekend and I remember being SO excited when I found out Lexi had signed up too. I was quickly beginning to realize that life with Lexi was never boring and always an adventure. Freshman year fall retreat was definitely a year to remember. I can remember the exact seat Lexi and I sat in on the bus for part of the trip. Pictures were of course taken but will not be shown here because of how incredibly awful we looked. But you can just imagine two freshman girls, with headphones in, wind blowing through the windows of the bus, giggling and taking pictures. After fall retreat, Lexi came to a few Carmel football games and tennis matches, and of course, pictures were taken. (Are you beginning to see a trend here?) Like I mentioned before, laughter was always always always present. 

Lexi is an incredible photographer. She has always loved taking pictures and I am a true eye witness of this statement. Her little pink point-and-shoot camera with duct tape on it went everywhere with us that first year of friendship. Lexi didn't go anywhere without it. I am proud to say that I knew Lexi before her photography business took off, before she got her first real DSLR camera, and before she decided she wanted to focus on photography for the rest of her life. One of Lexi's very first "photoshoots" (if you wanna call it that) took place in a trail behind her house during the fall of our freshman year. I was lucky enough to be chosen to be one of the models during this shoot. ;) Here's a picture of Lex and I during this day. 

A few weeks after that, another shoot took place. This time, I decided to sport one of the dresses I had just made in sewing class. I luckily snagged a picture with the photographer herself before we headed home on the golf cart. 

That was a really fun couple of months for me. The beginnings of a true friendship is such a sweet thing and boy, did we have a great time enjoying those moments. 

Life continued to move; at a slow pace it seemed to us back then. However, remembering our times in high school now, it all seemed to fly by way too fast. So much growing, learning, and discovering happened in those years. And I had Lexi by my side the whole way. Sophomore year came around and I cut my hair. You might be thinking, "Why in the world did she just mention a haircut in a post about her best friend?" Let me tell you why. My hair was long. And I was beginning to be tired of it. So randomly one day, I chopped 10 inches off. I shudder thinking about that moment now, but back then I thought it was a cool thing to do. Surprisingly enough, looking at the length of my hair in these pictures was the only way for me to know exactly what order they were taken in. So that is why I am mentioned the hair cut, because now come the awkward pictures with my shoulder length hair. Lexi and I continued on in our friendship. 

We were an absolutely ridiculous, hilarious, and goofy pair when we were together. (We still are, but shhh). Our sense of humors click perfectly with each other. She gets me and I get her. It was beautiful to watch that develop as the months went by. 

We had two other best friends, Meredith and Kate. The four of us decided to venture on our first missions trip ever. It was an absolutely life changing experience for all four of us. We grew closer to each other, to our group there, and especially in each of our own individual walks with Him. Our time in Queretaro, Mexico was a week that I will remember for the rest of my life.

We taught children English, shared the gospel, handed out tracks by knocking on doors, led a VBS at a church in an extremely poor area, and worshipped Jesus together on the roof of that church where we could look out onto the city of Queretaro and really grasp the beauty and vastness of Jesus' power and love for His people. We were all a part of a skit that we would go perform in parks, neighborhoods, and churches. And of course, Lexi and I were partnered up for this skit. It was a very serious and meaningful skit that showed a few different types of sin that are in this world, and then showed how Jesus came and took it all, saving everyone. However, Lexi and I had a hard time not laughing every time we performed. We weren't laughing at the skit; we knew how important the message was. We were just laughing because we were Lexi and Claire. Here are a few pictures from that skit. (You can see us trying to hold in our laughter in the first picture.)

I am so happy that Lexi and I got to share that time together in Mexico serving the people of Queretaro. 

When we got home from the trip, we had an entire summer ahead of us! Many incredible memories were made during that summer. Evenings in broadripple, adventures at Hamilton Town Center, and much more. 

Then came the fall of our junior year. A new addition to our wonderful group of friends came along, all the way from L.A. Our little Emmy joined us on our third fall retreat with church and instantly became one of our best friends. 

I remember that fall being filled with bonfires, late night steak n shake runs, photo shoots, and sleepovers almost every weekend. We were all in our prime time-and loving every second that we had together; all 5 of us. Then our precious Ali became a part of us, and we became 6. 

Lex and I were best friends, but we were not as close as we are now. All 6 of us were extremely close, but Lexi and I had not reached the point in our friendship that we're at now. 

Junior year came and went in a flash. It was a year filled with going to shows and fangirling over the boys in the bands, going through good and bad times together, having countless photo shoots, and spending hours of our days laughing with one another. 

Then came the year we had been thinking about and waiting for for our entire lifes. We were seniors. Senior year was an amazing time of lasts; our last fall retreat, our last first day of school, our last prom, last time all going to the same school. There were so many memories made during this year. Way too many too even tell you about today. So I'll just show you with a bunch of pictures that mean nothing to you, but everything to me. 

And then, faster than we could blink, we were done. We had graduated high school. 

Even though that was only a little over a year ago, you would never guess how much things have changed. There have been good changes, bad changes, sad changes, and amazing changes. One of those amazing changes was my friendship with Lexi. Lexi went off to Ball State that fall while I moved in to my dorm at Grace College. We stayed in touch, but it was hard to keep up while we were creating new friendships and growing close to those new friends at our different colleges. I should've guessed that God had something up His sleeve, but I was a little worried that my friendship with Lexi was never going to be the same as it was in high school. What I didn't know then, was that it was going to be different, but in an even better way. I saw her after being away at school for a few months and it was like nothing had ever changed between us. I was so grateful for that, because other friendships were changing like crazy and I didn't know what to do with myself. 

We finished up our semesters at our separate schools and then the Lord was ready to work His magic. Because of many different situations and events in my life, I transferred to Grace College Indy- an extension program of my school 5 minutes from my house. It was the biggest, hardest, and most emotional decision I've had to make so far in my life. All by myself, I packed up my dorm room in less than 24 hours, and hit the road. Instead of choosing to go straight home, which was calling my name, I took a detour and visited Kate and Lexi and Ball State. I'm going to share with you a picture that was taken as I was pulling out of Grace College's campus and then a picture taken a day later, after being with Lexi. 

This is a perfect example of what Lexi does in my life. She brightens my life, makes everything okay when it feels like its all falling apart, and brings me so much happiness. 

A few days after being home from leaving campus, and feeling pretty lonely, I get a call from Lexi. She explains to me that she is leaving Ball State. Not in the fall, after her first year would've been completed, but the next week. I was absolutely shocked, confused, but rejoicing on the inside. I wasn't going to be alone this semester! Long story short: we had a lot of time together this past semester. We both had separate busy lives, but we spent every waking second of our free time together. We volunteered at a high school's cru on Tuesday nights together and spent almost entire weekends together. It was an amazing time of growth for our relationship and I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world to call her my best friend. We road-tripped 22 hours to Florida for spring break together, just the two of us, and had an incredible time. And then this past July, I was able to go to Hilton Head with her family. 

I think that we would both agree that we bring out the best in each other, and that every single part of our story has brought us to where we are now. Lexi now has a booming photography business, and I am so beyond proud of her. She is also attending Pastry School and hopes to someday open up her own bakery. But honestly, hope is not the right word that needs to be used. She WILL open her own bakery, and it will be a huge success. Lexi has a smile that is contagious, a laugh that can make even the most serious person smile, and a heart as big as the planet. She loves everyone and everyone loves her. It's amazing to step back and watch Lexi's life take off as she's becoming the woman the Lord created her to be. I don't know why God chose me-screwed up, boring me- to be this stunning, incredible, and lovely girl's best friend but I will forever be thanking Him for this opportunity to share life with her. So here we are. 20 years old, 7 years into a lifelong friendship, and enjoying every moment we get to spend together. People say that friends come and go, and that is certainly true, but I know without a doubt that Lexi will be a huge part of my life forever.