Over the past few days, I've felt weird. I've been feeling lonely, confused, and even a bit sad. Every time I go on Facebook, I see another friend of mine posting pictures with their sorority sisters, or videos dancing with their room mates late at night, or funny statuses about inside jokes. I see people that I know from two completely different parts of my life, suddenly friends through meeting at college. I see old best friends with their new best friends, having the time of their life. And then there's me. A sophomore in college, living at home, commuting to class, and going straight to work every day. My social life is basically nonexistent, my sisters are my true friends, and in my free time I'm working on homework or laying in bed, completely exhausted. Is this how I would've pictured my "college life" on the day of my high school graduation? Absolutely not. But it's where I am. I don't know what I'm going to do in May once I get my associates degree in general studies, I don't want to have more debt to pay off, and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing a year from now. Sometimes I sit on my bed and just day dream. Day dream about what my life would be like if I was a typical college sophomore. I would be living in a dorm with amazing hall mates and room mates that make me laugh. I'd be staying up way too late with my friends, eating unnecessary amounts of snacks, watching movies, being stupid, and laughing constantly. I would be getting up minutes before class, grabbing my lanyard with my I.D. and room key, enjoying a beautiful walk to class across campus, barely making it through class awake, and then spending every possible moment avoiding homework and creating too many memories with my friends. I know all this because I experienced it, for a short time anyways. I have had one precious semester as a true college student. It was a time filled with growing, learning, experiencing, and figuring out who I truly was. It was laying outside on blankets in the grass with friends while watching scary movies and eating candy. It was driving around town while listening to music, with way too many unnecessary trips to Walmart. It was being crammed into a twin size bed with two of my best friends, laughing our heads off, and not even knowing what we were laughing at. It was sharing clothes, curling and braiding each others hair, and singing "Good Morning" by Mandisa while getting ready in the morning. It was helping and encouraging one another through our school work, eating each others food, and drawing abs on our stomachs with marker while "exercising". It was pretending like we were asleep when our RA would knock on our door because we were being too loud during quiet hours. It was spending time with and meeting people who surprised, shocked, disappointed, and loved me. It was spending hours sitting on the bathroom floor spilling our guts to each other, crying, praying, and being there for each other. It was confrontation, awkward little arguments that always ended up blowing over, hurt feelings, embarrassment and sometimes even loneliness.
Even though I was only on a campus for a few short months, Grace main campus had an impact on me. I may not have met as many people, made as many friends as I would've liked, or truly done everything I would've hoped to do in college during my time there, but who I was and what happened was all God ordained-I don't doubt that one bit. I have way too many memories to ever describe. They come to me randomly; a certain song on the radio, a familiar nail polish color, a long lost shirt that hasn't been worn since I was there, a small note, or even a particular food that we always ate. Sometimes when this happens, I feel an incredible amount of sadness. There was so much I regret about that semester, so much I wish wouldn't have ever happened. But there was also so much that I love and cherish, so much that I will end up telling my kids about someday. I feel like there are some people that look at my time and experience in college so far and look down upon me. I moved back home and transferred to a school near home because I couldn't handle things anymore, I gave up, I was afraid. But I don't look at it like that. I was strong enough to make the decision to leave without anyone else's opinion, strong enough to tell my best friends that I was leaving, strong enough to pack up all of my belongings and pack it all into my small car pretty much by myself, in less than 24 hours. I was strong enough to look forward with hope, rather than look back at the people and the experiences behind me. When I have those moments of sadness or doubt, I think about who I am today. The woman the Lord has shaped me into since leaving Grace main campus. Looking back at who I was just one year ago living in Indiana Hall room 206, I am not that girl. I have truly and richly found Jesus, I have finally given Him all parts of my life, I am no longer held back by people who only brought me down, I have Jesus on my side. I have grown so much closer with my siblings and parents, and even a few friends who are still here in Indy. I have been able to help my sisters get ready for homecoming, go to Cole's soccer games, spend some one on one time with my grandma, love on my doggies, and attend the church I grew up in. I have had the time and resources to start getting involved with an organization called Sole Hope, with whom I hope to travel to Uganda with in 2014. I've met incredible people at Grace College Indy- people who accept me for who I am, my shortcomings, my flaws, my failures, and love me. Peers who truly encourage me and bring me closer to the Cross. So yes, I live at home with my family. I work constantly to pay off my school bills. I have barely any free time. But I am surrounded by a small group of godly college kids. The smaller community at Grace Indy gives me the chance to truly know people in a deep way, to not be able to hide anything from anybody. We are a body of believers who lift each other up, who are there for each other through the good days and the "monday morning" days, and who truly care about each other. We are all unique, different, and strange people. Yet we all fit; we're all a family, and I feel so incredibly blessed to be where I am at, with the people I am with, doing life with them.
I may not have a major, or future school plans for next fall, or even late night chats and giggles in my dorm room, but I promise you, what I do have is even better than all of that: true friendships and a Jesus who has my life in the palm of His hand.
