october// breast cancer month

It's that time of year again. With the beginning of fall comes the beginning of a month dedicated to raise awareness for breast cancer. Pink products are EVERYWHERE. And I really mean everywhere. Even the most random stores have product after product decked out in pink and breast cancer ribbons. Don't get me wrong; I love it. I love the fact that people want to support a disease that has affected over 2.8 million women in the U.S. in just 2014 alone. A disease that took the lives of 40,000 women in the past year. A disease that challenges, hurts, and changes so many peoples lives. I definitely find myself buying unnecessary breast cancer themed items just because, especially in October.
However, I don't like what comes along with breast cancer awareness month. I don't like seeing all the posts about breast cancer survivors with captions saying things like "the strongest woman I've ever known. #breastcancersurvivor".
I get it; you're so thankful they survived this awful disease and you aren't ashamed to show it. That's fine, really it is. I would probably do the same if my mom had survived breast cancer. But she didn't. Does that make her "not strong" or "not a survivor"??
My mom was definitely strong. And I also consider my mom a breast cancer survivor. But how could I say those things when she's not here?
My mom went through countless different chemotherapy treatments and radiation treatments. Many procedures and surgeries. She was given chemo that had been tried before and also ventured out and tested trial cases of chemo. She lost her hair, grew it back, and then lost it again. A few times. She endured so much physical pain but also plenty of emotional pain. Knowing that something is attacking your body isn't necessarily a joyful thought. She also had 4 young children and a husband to take care of on top of all this. Yet, she handled all of these things with strength and dignity. This is something I look up to and think about all the time. But I also have to remind myself that the strength she had during her time as a cancer patient was given to her by Jesus; none of it was actually her. And sometimes thats hard yet humbling to remember. 
My mom is a cancer survivor. Weird, but I believe this. She endured cancer for 3 years and eventually overcame it, through entering the Kingdom of Heaven. Maybe not the world's view of a breast cancer survivor but I don't really care what the world has to say about it. She battled it, and for almost 7 years now, she isn't battling it. She's completely healed and dancing on the golden streets and worshiping our Jesus. How lucky is she?!
One very common phrase of encouragement given to someone battling not just breast cancer, but any kind of cancer, is this: "Keep fighting! If you just stay strong you'll get through this! You go girl." And honestly, I think this statement is so messed up. Yes, you have to be strong to endure cancer for any amount of time. You have cells inside you who's sole purpose is to destroy your body; obviously you have to be strong. However, this strength you need isn't from yourself. It's given to you from God. Your body can fight, you can spend crazy amounts of money on treatment, and you can be so incredibly strong but if it's in God's plan for a cancer patient to die, it's gonna happen. I hate to be so blunt, but I think this is something people ignore and it's starting to bother me. Maybe it bothers me because my mom isn't here, maybe it bothers me because I know she fought her very hardest for 3 long years, or maybe it bothers me because I'm tired of people tip toeing around the truth; as uncomfortable as it may be. The fate of your life is forever in God's hands. If you're dealt the cancer card, I definitely think you should fight cancer as best as you can. Seriously, do your best. Kick some cancer booty. But at the same time, all you can really do is pray. Not necessarily just for healing (even though you should) but also for understanding, if surviving isn't in God's plan for you. Pray for the hearts of others who know you and love you, for the impact and glory you could bring God through your battle. 
I am not trying to offend, hurt, or mislead anyone through my words. You are entitled to your own opinions and that's fine. I just wanted to share what's been on my heart lately while scrolling through Facebook or walking through a store in October. Maybe it's a little harsh, a little insensitive, or a little rude, but the way people view cancer survivors just seems a little off to me and I've been trying to find the right words to express my feelings for a while now.
Basically; cancer is awful, people need Jesus to get through it, & Jesus decides who "survives" and who doesn't. It's really that simple.

end of summer

Tonight I'm super thankful for all the lovely people the Lord's been bringing into my life lately, weekends spent with those people on the lake, and the technology to film, edit, and publish a short video from the lake using one single app. click here to watch the quick video from our trip this past weekend. 

Summer is here

Today was a good one. It was my last day of classes as a Grace College Indianapolis Weber student. I got an A on my final, we had a party after class, and ate yummy food. It was absolutely perfect outside; not too hot yet, the perfect mix of warmth with a subtle breeze. Holl and I decided to venture off and take a few pictures, which always ends up an adventure. 

[Can we discuss how OLD she looks?? I'm still in denial that she only just turned 15, because I swear she looks like she's in her 20's. Not. Fair. ]

I can't believe summer is already here. It feels like I just transferred to GCI yesterday. But then I blinked, and I'm getting invitations to our "sophomore celebration" in the mail. My first two years in college have been nothing like I ever would have imagined. But it was clear that God's plans were far greater than mine. I wouldn't trade my experiences, both good and bad, for anything. 

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to attend the GOAL program in the fall. GOAL is a 16 month program, offered through Grace Indy, where I will earn my bachelors in Management. As far as after that, I have no idea where the Lord is going to take me. I'm praying that He will use me and my skills in mighty ways, and that I will continue to trust Him with every part of my life, especially when I will have completed my degree. 

 p.s. I'll be posting again this weekend after our Sophomore Celebration!

2013-Looking back

Hello, lovely people! I haven't been on top of my blog posting game recently due to the crazy holiday season but I'm excited to sit down at my computer tonight and type out whats been on my heart lately. First of all, happy new years! I honestly can't believe a whole year has passed. 2013 was one of the most challenging and influential years of my life thus far for a few reasons. This week marks the one year anniversary of starting school at Grace College Indianapolis! 370 whole days ago, I packed up all my belongings from my three person dorm room, hugged my roomies goodbye, and turned in my key to Indiana Hall at Grace College. What a journey those past 370 days have been. Like I mentioned, some of my hardest and loneliest days were in 2013. A mere year ago, I remember feeling so lost and confused. I had first heard about Grace Indy from an advisor at Grace Winona Lake and decided to move home within a 24 hour period..the immediate adjustment I felt during those beginning weeks was almost too much for me to bear. At the time, I remember praying in my bed each night crying out to God and asking Him how this was going to all be okay. Wondering how this was all going to work out for my benefit. However, only one year later, I can look back on my big move and thank Jesus. Grace Indy was one of the best things to happen to me. Not only the school itself, but the situations that came with moving back home as a college sophomore, have forever changed my life. I have met some incredible people this past year. People who have influenced my life tremendously and probably don't even know it. People who have a special place in my heart and always will. People who I care for so immensely, even if right now they don't feel the same way about me. These people may not even know what they did that meant so much to me. A simple invitation to an event, sitting down next to me in class so I'm not sitting alone, introducing me to other solid people, saying the right thing just when I needed it, even a snapchat or text at the perfect time. Little things that may not mean anything to the person on the giving side but that meant so much to me on the receiving side. I've also met some of my lifelong best friends in the past 365 days. People who I literally KNOW will be around for many years to come. People who I never would've known existed if I hadn't moved back to Indy. It's crazy to think about how drastic life could have been if one little decision had been made differently. All of a sudden, I understood money. I looked back at my expenses during only one semester on main campus and literally wanted to throw up. Why does college have to be so expensive?! But then I looked at the total amount I was going to pay during my time at Grace Indy and all of the sudden, it made sense! I've never been good at saving money, and I'm still not. It's something I struggle with every single day. But living at home for "free", going to class less than 2 miles from my house, and attending a college where I would pay way way wayyy less than what I would be paying at main campus really helped me think about money and my future. Loans never meant anything to me. "Everyone has tons of loans after school", people would tell me. So I just assumed I would be one of those people. However, Grace Indy has given me the opportunity to have barely any loans. I do have some, but basically nothing compared to what I would have at a "normal" college campus.  I worked hard during this past year. Harder than I've ever worked before. I worked at a restaurant for half the year and worked for a family during the second half. With all that working came a substantial amount of money for a 19 year old girl. Then my bills came for school. And lots of that hard earned money went right to Grace Indy..and I wanted to cry. I never would've fully grasped the concept of working and earning money if it wasn't for my time at home this past year. This is just one concept that I learned in 2013 that will go with me for the rest of my life and I'm so grateful! I also learned a lot about friendships. I saw firsthand examples of encouraging friendships and discouraging friendships. Friendships that brought me down and friendships that brought me up. Friendships that pointed me towards Christ and friendships that pulled me away. I'm not perfect. And I'm certainly not a perfect friend. But God taught me a lot during this past year about really digging deep into friendships. Forget all the surfacey stuff. If I truly wanted to be someones friend and wanted them to be mine, it was gonna cost me. Having true friendships can be hard sometimes, and it often includes being vulnerable and honest, when you wanna do the opposite. You wanna seem "cool" and like a "perfect friend" but who wants a perfect friend anyways?! I've realized theres no point in pretending like I have it all together. True friendships love you through your good days, your bad days, and your really bad days. That's the kind of friend I'm striving to be and thats the kind of friends I want to surround myself with. Don't even get me started on family..I could go on for hours about the benefits I've seen develop in my family life during this past year. Every year I grow closer to my sisters, which is normal, but something about 2013 was different. I spent a lot of time with my sisters. By the time I would get home from a day filled with class and work, it would be late and I wouldn't have time to go hang out with any friends. So instead I would plop down on my sisters bed and we would just spend time together. Nothing "big" happened between us three, but something did change. I realized that 10 years from now, who am I going to call when my kids are driving me crazy? My good friends from high school, or even my college buddies? Most likely not. I'll probably be on a three-way call with Holl and Abs. Then I'll probably text 20 year old Cole (woah) and beg him to come entertain my kids while I picked up the house before my hubby got home. All my life, when I would get into arguments with my siblings and storm off and want to go spend time with my friends, my dad would say, "Don't forget who's house you'll be at on Thanksgiving someday." I would usually roll my eyes (when he wasn't looking of course) and still go hang out with friends. I never fully got what he was trying to get through my brain during those moments. I finally feel like I do. And it's wonderful.  My siblings aren't the only ones I've gotten closer to in my family. I've seen much more depth in my relationships with my parents. Maybe no one else sees it, maybe not even my parents themselves, but I feel it. Theres a sense of trust between us that was never fully there before. A sense of "grown up ness", understanding, and appreciation. We see eye-to-eye on more things now and I feel like there is  maybe a bridge that gets crossed at a certain point in a child's life, and I crossed it. I still have plenty of growing and maturing to do; don't get me wrong. But I do feel like I've matured in a few areas in the past year, and those things have truly benefited my relationships with my dad and Stacy.  And lastly, my spiritual journey in the past 365 days. I don't even know where to begin. I guess the best way to explain it is that when I came home from main campus, I felt confident in my faith. I knew what I stood for, what I believed, and how I wanted to live my life. But I was at a standing point. I wasn't looking to grow; I thought I was fine where I was at. Looking back, I don't know what was going through my head. The Bible clearly states that being a Christian means constantly messing up, constantly having to crawl back to the cross and pick ourselves up again, and to then strive to be even more like Jesus. But I wasn't understanding that a year ago.  I've begun to discover what an awful, disgusting, worthless, human being I am. I will NEVER be good enough and NEVER be even close to being perfect. However, in Christ, I am a beautiful, wonderful, precious daughter of the King. I AM good enough and I don't HAVE to be perfect. It's been a wonderful time of discovery and reflection. I wouldn't trade this year for anything. All of the lonely nights trying to fall asleep with tears streaming down my face, the friday nights sitting at home with my parents, the stressful and tiring days where all I wanted to do was give up, were worth it. And here I am, one year later, at a place I never could've dreamed I would be. We serve an incredible and merciful God. A God who has every single day planned out already for us, down to the very minute. A God who will put trials in our lives that will ultimately bring us closer to Him. A God who brings beauty from heartache. With all that being said, I can't wait to see what God has planned for me in 2014 :)

Grace Indy (fall of 2013)