Christmas wrapping on a budget

It's a few days before Christmas, and if you're anything like me, you're suddenly panicking remembering the gifts you still need to wrap, and the gifts you still need to buy (guilty).

I knew I wanted to make my gifts pretty, classic, but most importantly cheap. So I did what any sane person would do- I grabbed the keys and headed to Target. Of course, I went to the dollar section first, really not expecting to find anything. But alas, I was pleasantly surprised. Target for the win. 

I found plain brown gift tags, red and green twine, metallic trim, and plain brown twine all for $1. I was so excited to get home. 

I figured I wouldn't find anything else for that cheap, but I checked out the actual Christmas section in the back of the store. Surprise number two was finding this cute plaid ribbon for $1.50, plain brown wrapping paper for $2 and actually cute-not-cheesy gift bags... So good.

The fact that I spent just about $10 for all this was so exciting to me. I didn't have to deal with over the top snowman covered wrapping paper with ordinary shiny bows. 

The icing on the cake was remembering the metallic sharpies in the back of my desk and the giant evergreen tree in my front yard. Snipped a couple branches, grabbed some pine cones, and I was ready. 

Making your gifts looked perfectly wrapped is pressure that many people face, but just remember, you don't have to break the bank on something that will literally be ripped apart in a few days anyway. ♥️

A Letter to Heaven

 Dear Mom,

It’s that time of year again..December 10^th is a few days away and I can’t get you off my mind. I cannot believe you have been gone for 8 years. How has it been that long? At the same time, weren’t you just here yesterday?

Mom, I miss you so much.

We all do. Lots of people do. You’re my favorite topic of conversation. Surprising, huh? Some people have a hard time talking about a loved one who has passed..it’s too much for them..or they are a puddle of tears every single time..but not me. I talk about you so often, everyone at the house does too. I love that, Mom. It’s what you would have wanted.

I just want you to know, we are doing okay.

Life is really good right now. Really, really good. Can you believe two of your daughters are in college? Not only that, but following in your footsteps to become elementary education teachers, hoping to make a positive influence on as many kids as possible? Me either.

Abby is in her first year of college and killing it. I mean it, Mom, she is doing SO well. I know you are beaming with pride. She handles her classes and balances nannying these 5 children like a pro. Not many people would be capable of that, but she is, which I’m sure you already knew. She is still stubborn just like you. I remember that so well about you, and when I see it in Abby, it just makes me smile. She handles her diabetes amazingly. Sometimes I even forget she has to depend on insulin to live every single day. I know you are hoping for a cure just as much as we are, but until then, know she is doing just fine. She is seriously so grown up. That sounds cliché, but its true. I feel like even in the past 6 months, she’s grown tremendously, and we have bonded even more. It is so cool. You would love it if you were here. We share lots of the same memories of you, which is such a blessing. We can’t go to dairy queen without thinking about you ordering a chocolate cone dipped in butterscotch. We will be walking through a store, and something catches both of our attention, and we know that we both instantly thought of you. It is so cool, Mom. I’m sure you smile when that happens.

And Holly..she’s only 16, and about to graduate highschool. As a junior. This May. How unusual and plain awesome is that?! She has one semester left of highschool and she is doing just fine, combining her junior year and senior classes into one year. That’s not normal, Mom. She is clearly special, but you knew that since the day she was born, I’m sure. She is also growing up so quickly. I know I’m only a few years older but MAN. I see some of her classmates and I’m blown away with the comparision. She is also so good with children. Every weekend she’s somewhere watching some group of kids, making bank, and loving it. She’s just as strong willed and outspoken as she was as an 8 year old, the last you saw her. That creates some interesting (silly) fights between us girls, but they never last more than 5 minutes, which I’m sure makes you smile as well. Holly and Abby are both my best friends. I don’t think most siblings can say that and TRULY mean it. But I do. I can’t believe I was blessed with such supportive, honest, loving sisters. Thank you for raising us girls to invest time in one another and to be intentional.

Cole..what a little man. Really, he is so so so old! If you saw him now, Mom, you would probably just sob. He’s not your little boy anymore. The 4 year old who would sit on your lap and talk to you as if nothing was wrong during your last days on earth, is now a 12 year old soccer superstar. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit (sister problems), but I know you would consider him the same. He is so talented and so aware of it too ;) He is getting better at humility in sports and is such a good team player, unlike many boys his age. He is in his first year in middle school. MIDDLESCHOOL!! He was literally just a tiny preschooler, riding his mini john deer tractor around the yard. Now, he’s begging for a hover board, sneaking entire advent calendars full of chocolate, and an avid xbox lover (like way way loves it). I’m sure you’re shaking your head just thinking about how times have changed since you were last here on earth with us, Mom.

And me..I’m so happy. The happiest I’ve ever been, truly, which I’m sure you can see. I’m an adult now, which is so weird, but loving it. I’m looking into moving into my own apartment soon, and I am so ready and so excited. (I know Dad isn’t totally ready, and I’m sure you wouldn’t be either, but I need to learn on my own).  I’m making big girl decisions every single day, and balancing full time school, taking care of these 5 kids Abby and I nanny, and trying to find time to see my boyfriend too. Oh mom..you would love him. I know you would. I hate that you don’t know him, and that he doesn’t know you, but I know you’re looking down and so happy that your first baby girl is so well taken care of and so loved by such a godly young man. I always looked up to you and dad so much, how in love you were, how you put God first in your relationship, and always dreamed of having that. I finally know what it’s like, giving your needs up for someone else’s. I wish you could sit and talk with him. Hear his laugh. See how hard he works, see how much he shows me Jesus, see his beautiful smile. I can’t wait for you to meet him someday. What a joyous day that will be.

I just wish you were here.

Especially this time of year, I’m not sad really. I wouldn’t call it that. I’m just…bummed. If you were here, you could see Cole’s victory dance down the field when he scores a goal. If you were here, you could see how close me, Abby, and Holly are. If  you were here, you could see how well Stacy fits into our family-not taking your place, but making her own. If you were here, you could know our second wheaten terrier, Rosie. You loved Kipper so much, and had such a special bond. I know you would’ve loved Rose just the same.

If you were here, you would be sitting inside by the front door, telling Leah and I to unwrap the 3 strands of lights we just tightly wrapped around the tree, only to do it again. If you were here, you would see that exact tree being cut down this week, leaving an empty spot in our front yard. I know its just a tree, but I have memories tied with that tree. Memories of you and dad building this house, picking out what plants to grow and where to place them, watching that tiny little sapling grow over the years-and now its gone. Pulling up to the house last night and seeing a bunch of logs where that tree stood just a few hours earlier hit me deep. I wasn’t expecting it and didn’t quite know what to do. But I just feel a little empty inside.

I just want you to know that it was all worth it.

All the doctor waiting rooms, the awkward conversations, hospital visiting hours, wearing masks when we went in to see you so that we wouldn’t make you sick..It’s all okay, Mom.

For all the “normal” childhood activities that were always tainted with the word “cancer”. For all the afternoons where you couldn’t even get out of bed when we got off the bus. For all the serious conversations on the family room couch. For all the women in our house, taking over the role of Mom for a few days at a time. It is okay.

Our childhood was not normal. That is clear. But it was worth it. Because we got a few more years with you. The one who physically brought us into the world, who held our sick bodies, who forced us to eat salmon (still mad about that), who kept us safe, who made sure we always felt loved, who baked cookies right before we came home from school, who brought home the best dog in the world, who taught us Jesus. Our time was cut short, but it was enough. You were the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I promise I’m not just saying that. Yes, you had your moments, as you should. But Mom, you were so incredible. Anyone who knew you would agree. I want you to know I will never forget all you did for us. How hard you fought to get better for your children. How you showed us faith unlike any other.

I will never forget how you would turn on Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, grab the candlesticks from the mantle and sing into them like a microphone.

I will never forget how much you loved chocolate. Especially those truffles from trader Joes.

I will never forget how you couldn’t walk around the house without socks because your feet were always so cold.

I will never forget your love for Wendy’s fries dipped in a frosty or chili. Or how you drove all the way back one day after we got home because they forgot your fries in the drive thru line.

I will never forget your love for this time of year. How much you loved the garland around the staircase. How excited you were to give us our presents on Christmas morning. My love for Christmas comes from you, I’m certain.

I will never not think of you when I hear “Shackles” by Mary Mary…it instantly puts a smile on my face.

Lately, I’ve been told I look like you. That doesn’t happen too often usually, probably because my hair is so different than yours, but I guess my facial expressions have been just like yours lately. That is such an honor, Mom. You were the most beautiful lady I ever knew. To even slightly resemble you would be more than I could ever ask.

I can’t wait to tell my children about you someday. I know its far off, but I think about it. I think about all the little fun things you did with us, and I plan to do many with my own children. I promise Mom, they will always know who you were, and what you did to impact so many, including myself. My children will be able to talk about and bring you up as often as they want. It’s something I want more than anything.

I guess I should go now. I know you’re loving all the dancing and worshipping up there, and I can picture the beautiful smile that I know is on your face constantly.

Thank you for giving Abby, Holly, Cole, and I life and thank you for teaching us what it means to love Jesus with our whole hearts. I hope we make you proud for the rest of our days on earth. Love you, mama.

6 months with Nala

When we first picked up Nala from a lady on Craigslist (sketchy, I know), we were told she was 8 week old Catahoula Leopard puppy. After a trip to the vet where she weighed 2.5 lbs, we discovered she was just barely 5 weeks and definitely not a Catahoula. Nala baby was in perfect condition though and has been so fun the past 6 months. We still don't know what she is exactly; one vet said a lab/hound mix, someone else guessed a lab/beagle mix, and one more swears she's a lab/pointer. Either way, we love her. She loves rope toys, sniffing everywhere, sleeping on her memory foam bed insert OUTSIDE of her bed, jumping up to wrap her front legs around my waist, sitting and watching people (for crazy amounts of time) and chasing laser pointers. 

Watch the video here!

october// breast cancer month

It's that time of year again. With the beginning of fall comes the beginning of a month dedicated to raise awareness for breast cancer. Pink products are EVERYWHERE. And I really mean everywhere. Even the most random stores have product after product decked out in pink and breast cancer ribbons. Don't get me wrong; I love it. I love the fact that people want to support a disease that has affected over 2.8 million women in the U.S. in just 2014 alone. A disease that took the lives of 40,000 women in the past year. A disease that challenges, hurts, and changes so many peoples lives. I definitely find myself buying unnecessary breast cancer themed items just because, especially in October.
However, I don't like what comes along with breast cancer awareness month. I don't like seeing all the posts about breast cancer survivors with captions saying things like "the strongest woman I've ever known. #breastcancersurvivor".
I get it; you're so thankful they survived this awful disease and you aren't ashamed to show it. That's fine, really it is. I would probably do the same if my mom had survived breast cancer. But she didn't. Does that make her "not strong" or "not a survivor"??
My mom was definitely strong. And I also consider my mom a breast cancer survivor. But how could I say those things when she's not here?
My mom went through countless different chemotherapy treatments and radiation treatments. Many procedures and surgeries. She was given chemo that had been tried before and also ventured out and tested trial cases of chemo. She lost her hair, grew it back, and then lost it again. A few times. She endured so much physical pain but also plenty of emotional pain. Knowing that something is attacking your body isn't necessarily a joyful thought. She also had 4 young children and a husband to take care of on top of all this. Yet, she handled all of these things with strength and dignity. This is something I look up to and think about all the time. But I also have to remind myself that the strength she had during her time as a cancer patient was given to her by Jesus; none of it was actually her. And sometimes thats hard yet humbling to remember. 
My mom is a cancer survivor. Weird, but I believe this. She endured cancer for 3 years and eventually overcame it, through entering the Kingdom of Heaven. Maybe not the world's view of a breast cancer survivor but I don't really care what the world has to say about it. She battled it, and for almost 7 years now, she isn't battling it. She's completely healed and dancing on the golden streets and worshiping our Jesus. How lucky is she?!
One very common phrase of encouragement given to someone battling not just breast cancer, but any kind of cancer, is this: "Keep fighting! If you just stay strong you'll get through this! You go girl." And honestly, I think this statement is so messed up. Yes, you have to be strong to endure cancer for any amount of time. You have cells inside you who's sole purpose is to destroy your body; obviously you have to be strong. However, this strength you need isn't from yourself. It's given to you from God. Your body can fight, you can spend crazy amounts of money on treatment, and you can be so incredibly strong but if it's in God's plan for a cancer patient to die, it's gonna happen. I hate to be so blunt, but I think this is something people ignore and it's starting to bother me. Maybe it bothers me because my mom isn't here, maybe it bothers me because I know she fought her very hardest for 3 long years, or maybe it bothers me because I'm tired of people tip toeing around the truth; as uncomfortable as it may be. The fate of your life is forever in God's hands. If you're dealt the cancer card, I definitely think you should fight cancer as best as you can. Seriously, do your best. Kick some cancer booty. But at the same time, all you can really do is pray. Not necessarily just for healing (even though you should) but also for understanding, if surviving isn't in God's plan for you. Pray for the hearts of others who know you and love you, for the impact and glory you could bring God through your battle. 
I am not trying to offend, hurt, or mislead anyone through my words. You are entitled to your own opinions and that's fine. I just wanted to share what's been on my heart lately while scrolling through Facebook or walking through a store in October. Maybe it's a little harsh, a little insensitive, or a little rude, but the way people view cancer survivors just seems a little off to me and I've been trying to find the right words to express my feelings for a while now.
Basically; cancer is awful, people need Jesus to get through it, & Jesus decides who "survives" and who doesn't. It's really that simple.

end of summer

Tonight I'm super thankful for all the lovely people the Lord's been bringing into my life lately, weekends spent with those people on the lake, and the technology to film, edit, and publish a short video from the lake using one single app. click here to watch the quick video from our trip this past weekend. 

Summer is here

Today was a good one. It was my last day of classes as a Grace College Indianapolis Weber student. I got an A on my final, we had a party after class, and ate yummy food. It was absolutely perfect outside; not too hot yet, the perfect mix of warmth with a subtle breeze. Holl and I decided to venture off and take a few pictures, which always ends up an adventure. 

[Can we discuss how OLD she looks?? I'm still in denial that she only just turned 15, because I swear she looks like she's in her 20's. Not. Fair. ]

I can't believe summer is already here. It feels like I just transferred to GCI yesterday. But then I blinked, and I'm getting invitations to our "sophomore celebration" in the mail. My first two years in college have been nothing like I ever would have imagined. But it was clear that God's plans were far greater than mine. I wouldn't trade my experiences, both good and bad, for anything. 

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to attend the GOAL program in the fall. GOAL is a 16 month program, offered through Grace Indy, where I will earn my bachelors in Management. As far as after that, I have no idea where the Lord is going to take me. I'm praying that He will use me and my skills in mighty ways, and that I will continue to trust Him with every part of my life, especially when I will have completed my degree. 

 p.s. I'll be posting again this weekend after our Sophomore Celebration!

2013-Looking back

Hello, lovely people! I haven't been on top of my blog posting game recently due to the crazy holiday season but I'm excited to sit down at my computer tonight and type out whats been on my heart lately. First of all, happy new years! I honestly can't believe a whole year has passed. 2013 was one of the most challenging and influential years of my life thus far for a few reasons. This week marks the one year anniversary of starting school at Grace College Indianapolis! 370 whole days ago, I packed up all my belongings from my three person dorm room, hugged my roomies goodbye, and turned in my key to Indiana Hall at Grace College. What a journey those past 370 days have been. Like I mentioned, some of my hardest and loneliest days were in 2013. A mere year ago, I remember feeling so lost and confused. I had first heard about Grace Indy from an advisor at Grace Winona Lake and decided to move home within a 24 hour period..the immediate adjustment I felt during those beginning weeks was almost too much for me to bear. At the time, I remember praying in my bed each night crying out to God and asking Him how this was going to all be okay. Wondering how this was all going to work out for my benefit. However, only one year later, I can look back on my big move and thank Jesus. Grace Indy was one of the best things to happen to me. Not only the school itself, but the situations that came with moving back home as a college sophomore, have forever changed my life. I have met some incredible people this past year. People who have influenced my life tremendously and probably don't even know it. People who have a special place in my heart and always will. People who I care for so immensely, even if right now they don't feel the same way about me. These people may not even know what they did that meant so much to me. A simple invitation to an event, sitting down next to me in class so I'm not sitting alone, introducing me to other solid people, saying the right thing just when I needed it, even a snapchat or text at the perfect time. Little things that may not mean anything to the person on the giving side but that meant so much to me on the receiving side. I've also met some of my lifelong best friends in the past 365 days. People who I literally KNOW will be around for many years to come. People who I never would've known existed if I hadn't moved back to Indy. It's crazy to think about how drastic life could have been if one little decision had been made differently. All of a sudden, I understood money. I looked back at my expenses during only one semester on main campus and literally wanted to throw up. Why does college have to be so expensive?! But then I looked at the total amount I was going to pay during my time at Grace Indy and all of the sudden, it made sense! I've never been good at saving money, and I'm still not. It's something I struggle with every single day. But living at home for "free", going to class less than 2 miles from my house, and attending a college where I would pay way way wayyy less than what I would be paying at main campus really helped me think about money and my future. Loans never meant anything to me. "Everyone has tons of loans after school", people would tell me. So I just assumed I would be one of those people. However, Grace Indy has given me the opportunity to have barely any loans. I do have some, but basically nothing compared to what I would have at a "normal" college campus.  I worked hard during this past year. Harder than I've ever worked before. I worked at a restaurant for half the year and worked for a family during the second half. With all that working came a substantial amount of money for a 19 year old girl. Then my bills came for school. And lots of that hard earned money went right to Grace Indy..and I wanted to cry. I never would've fully grasped the concept of working and earning money if it wasn't for my time at home this past year. This is just one concept that I learned in 2013 that will go with me for the rest of my life and I'm so grateful! I also learned a lot about friendships. I saw firsthand examples of encouraging friendships and discouraging friendships. Friendships that brought me down and friendships that brought me up. Friendships that pointed me towards Christ and friendships that pulled me away. I'm not perfect. And I'm certainly not a perfect friend. But God taught me a lot during this past year about really digging deep into friendships. Forget all the surfacey stuff. If I truly wanted to be someones friend and wanted them to be mine, it was gonna cost me. Having true friendships can be hard sometimes, and it often includes being vulnerable and honest, when you wanna do the opposite. You wanna seem "cool" and like a "perfect friend" but who wants a perfect friend anyways?! I've realized theres no point in pretending like I have it all together. True friendships love you through your good days, your bad days, and your really bad days. That's the kind of friend I'm striving to be and thats the kind of friends I want to surround myself with. Don't even get me started on family..I could go on for hours about the benefits I've seen develop in my family life during this past year. Every year I grow closer to my sisters, which is normal, but something about 2013 was different. I spent a lot of time with my sisters. By the time I would get home from a day filled with class and work, it would be late and I wouldn't have time to go hang out with any friends. So instead I would plop down on my sisters bed and we would just spend time together. Nothing "big" happened between us three, but something did change. I realized that 10 years from now, who am I going to call when my kids are driving me crazy? My good friends from high school, or even my college buddies? Most likely not. I'll probably be on a three-way call with Holl and Abs. Then I'll probably text 20 year old Cole (woah) and beg him to come entertain my kids while I picked up the house before my hubby got home. All my life, when I would get into arguments with my siblings and storm off and want to go spend time with my friends, my dad would say, "Don't forget who's house you'll be at on Thanksgiving someday." I would usually roll my eyes (when he wasn't looking of course) and still go hang out with friends. I never fully got what he was trying to get through my brain during those moments. I finally feel like I do. And it's wonderful.  My siblings aren't the only ones I've gotten closer to in my family. I've seen much more depth in my relationships with my parents. Maybe no one else sees it, maybe not even my parents themselves, but I feel it. Theres a sense of trust between us that was never fully there before. A sense of "grown up ness", understanding, and appreciation. We see eye-to-eye on more things now and I feel like there is  maybe a bridge that gets crossed at a certain point in a child's life, and I crossed it. I still have plenty of growing and maturing to do; don't get me wrong. But I do feel like I've matured in a few areas in the past year, and those things have truly benefited my relationships with my dad and Stacy.  And lastly, my spiritual journey in the past 365 days. I don't even know where to begin. I guess the best way to explain it is that when I came home from main campus, I felt confident in my faith. I knew what I stood for, what I believed, and how I wanted to live my life. But I was at a standing point. I wasn't looking to grow; I thought I was fine where I was at. Looking back, I don't know what was going through my head. The Bible clearly states that being a Christian means constantly messing up, constantly having to crawl back to the cross and pick ourselves up again, and to then strive to be even more like Jesus. But I wasn't understanding that a year ago.  I've begun to discover what an awful, disgusting, worthless, human being I am. I will NEVER be good enough and NEVER be even close to being perfect. However, in Christ, I am a beautiful, wonderful, precious daughter of the King. I AM good enough and I don't HAVE to be perfect. It's been a wonderful time of discovery and reflection. I wouldn't trade this year for anything. All of the lonely nights trying to fall asleep with tears streaming down my face, the friday nights sitting at home with my parents, the stressful and tiring days where all I wanted to do was give up, were worth it. And here I am, one year later, at a place I never could've dreamed I would be. We serve an incredible and merciful God. A God who has every single day planned out already for us, down to the very minute. A God who will put trials in our lives that will ultimately bring us closer to Him. A God who brings beauty from heartache. With all that being said, I can't wait to see what God has planned for me in 2014 :)

Grace Indy (fall of 2013)